It felt like
the alarm clock went off early today.
Halloween went way too long last night.
It was fine for a while - the usual little kids saying, “trick or
treat.” But it got annoying when the
doorbell kept ringing after 9pm, the official citywide cutoff. And it got a little more annoying when the
later visitors looked bigger and scarier than the little kids. I mean, some of these "kids" were
over 6 feet. And they had much more
frightening masks than what the little ones were wearing. And when they said, “trick or treat,” their
voices sounded like they had all left puberty in the dust several years
ago. Frankly, the late comers made me
glad I had that baseball bat in the corner behind the door - particularly since
I almost ran out of candy.
Luckily I had
bought a really big supply. Amazon had a
sale on Halloween candy so I got it really cheap and didn't even have to pay
sales tax on it. Yeah, I know I'm
supposed to pay use tax when Amazon doesn’t charge sales tax, but really,
come on.
I also had the
brilliant idea of getting salt-water taffy.
I always eat way too much of the Halloween candy (I mean, it's sitting
right there), but since I have more than my share of expensive dental work, I
stay away from things like caramels, Jujubes and taffy. But I figured the kids wouldn't care.
I finally got
to bed, only to be awakened a few times during the night by a pretty nasty
storm that came up all of a sudden. It
still looked and sounded pretty much like the end of the world as I left my
building and started my short walk to work.
I could have hit the snooze alarm and slept in a little, but I had a
weird sense that I’d better get to work as soon as possible.
The storm was
still crashing around me. There were
branches in the street, rain was pouring, mostly from the side, and cars were
going through big puddles. People where
hurrying, huddled in their hats and coats.
Umbrellas were a waste of time in weather like this. In fact, almost every trash barrel I passed
had a couple of broken ones jammed into them.
Normally, my
walk takes 10 minutes, but today it took almost half an hour. I had to walk into the blowing wind, squint
through the driving rain, hold on to my hat, try to avoid the splashing water
from the cars, and keep looking behind me.
You see, after a few minutes, I got the feeling there was someone following
me. I couldn't hear anything unusual,
what with the storm, but I definitely got the feeling that I was being
watched. So I kept turning around.
Only once did I
see someone who appeared to be following me.
He was a tall, erect figure wearing a black coat with a black derby. He was on the other side of the street and he
didn't stop when I turned. In fact, it
didn't seem like he cared whether or not I saw him or not. The rain and wind were so heavy that I could
only barely make him out. Not wanting to
get a closer look, I kept going. It was
weird though. He wasn’t walking fast, or
hunkered down like everyone else. And
how did he keep that hat on? I kept
looking back for another glimpse, but the weather was on his side.
Once I got to
the office, the door was locked. I was
early, after all. I tapped on the door
for the security guard. He wasn't
there. I didn't realize how nervous I
was until that moment. Here I had some
guy following me, and that weird desire to get to work early was getting worse. So I waited outside under the overhang - at
least I wasn’t getting wet. But I was
working up a cold sweat, just from nerves.
I kept looking for the derby-guy, but he wasn't there. I still couldn’t make out anything more than
a few yards away. And where WAS that damn
security guard? And why did it seem so
important for me to get to work?
Finally, the
door opened and, taking one more look for the derby-guy, I hurried inside past
the guard. I headed for the
elevator. Normally, I try to take the
stairs, but they're kind of dark and I have seen enough movies to want to avoid
them, since I seemed to have a stalker.
Plus the elevator would be faster, since I REALLY needed to get to my
desk.
Just as I had
gotten onto the elevator, a hand reached in and stopped the doors from
closing. I whirled around, and uttered a
squawk of fear and surprise!
It was the
guard. "Sorry to startle you. There was someone here about 15 minutes ago
asking for you. I said you hadn't come
in yet. He said something about being
back. I just thought you should
know."
Catching my
breath, I said "Thanks." Then,
thinking about my hat-wearing buddy, I asked, "Was he wearing a weird
hat?"
"Yeah, now
that you mention it, he was wearing one of those old style derby hats. Not a trilby like the guys in marketing wear,
but something out of the last century.
And he was really tall."
Uh, oh. He had beaten me to work! At the same time he had been out on the
street following me to the office. Oh,
crap! "Did you see what he looked
like?"
"No, he
had his collars pulled up so I really couldn't make anything out. And he had sunglasses on, which, given the
weather, was weird.”
"Listen,
don't let that guy in. If he shows up,
call me. But don't let him in. If you have to, call the police."
"OK, but
the police won't be much help. They're
running around dealing with the storm, plus there was a weird guy
trick-or-treating last night and they're trying to find him."
"Tell the
police this guy might be the one they're looking for."
I went up to my
office, unlocked the door and let myself in.
I pulled off my coat and sat in my chair - relieved. Except that it occurred to me that there
wouldn't be anyone in for at least another hour. So I closed the door and locked it. And I pulled a chair up against it and wedged
it under the doorknob. I don’t know if I
did it right, but it looked like what they do in the movies, so I figured it
might work.
Feeling a little
safer, I sat down again and took a look at my desk calendar. I'm sort of a Luddite so I still use one of
those one-page-a-day versions. I flipped
the page to November 1 and thought, "Oh, my God!" It said, "sales tax auditor at 9am." You know those dreams where you're back in
school and there's a test and you didn't even know you were supposed to take
the course? Well, I had completely forgotten
about the audit. And the auditor had
given me a long list of things to have ready for him. I had completely forgotten. "Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh crap..."
There was a
knock at the door.
Did you know
that they never have those little peepholes in office doors? I was really wishing for one now. "Yes?" was all I could squeak out.
"I'm
looking for Mr. Frazier," came a low voice, really more of a loud whisper.
"Uh,
that's me. Hold on."
I moved the
chair from door, and opened it. There he
was: derby-guy. He was really tall and
he still had the sunglasses. He was
lifting his arm towards me. I almost
fell over the chair as I backed away.
He held out his
card and whispered "I'm Herman Mudgett, with the Department of
Revenue." I was staring at him in
stunned silence. "I'm here to do
your sales tax audit." And with
that, he walked into my office and sat at MY chair.
I stammered
out, "How did you get in here?
The guard should have stopped you!"
"Oh, we
have ways of getting in where we're not welcome. It’s part of the job." And with that he swept everything off my desk
onto the floor - the calendar, my paperwork from yesterday, everything.
"What the
hell?" I yelled. My fear had gone
to anger in an instant. Who was this
jerk?
"Have a
seat, Mr. Frazier." he said. His
voice had taken on a low, evil, snarling tone that made me sit down, right on
the wet raincoat I had thrown on the chair a few minutes ago.
He opened up
his bag and all I could see in it were two boxes. One was very shiny and had one knob and one
dial. The other was a small cardboard
box.
I said
tentatively, "I'm afraid I'm not ready for you. I completely forgot you were coming. My bad."
"Oh, I'm
not here about that," he croaked out.
“I'm here about the use taxes you didn't pay on the Amazon candy you
handed out last night."
I gasped. "How did you..."
He cut me off,
opening the small cardboard box, "…and I'm here about that taffy." He
showed me a piece of salt-water taffy, with a bloody tooth embedded in it.
Then he hissed,
“Just so you know, dental appliances ARE taxable in this state.”
---
Happy Halloween from The Sales Tax Guy
PS. Thanks for sticking with us. It's been a very busy summer. There have been lots of webinars to do, a few on-site seminars, one hospitalization, a stolen car, and a vacation. All in all, there hasn't been a lot of time to devote to the blog. But we're trying something new. It's been testing for over a month and just might work. It's not ready for prime-time yet, but if you made it this far, you deserve a sneak peak.
Again, thanks for your support.
Every newspaper, every chamber of commerce, and every main street type organization, at some point in time, feels the need to editorialize about how horrible it is that Amazon.com and other online vendors are damaging the business of local retailers. You see, in case you have spent the last decade under a rock, that there are a couple of clauses in the Constitution that prevent states from making out-of-state sellers collect tax. Unless they have nexus, of course. And, since it's just some journalist who has no clue what the real issues are, they usually get it wrong. 
